Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Time flies

when you're pregnant, raising a family and having "fun".

I can't believe I've slacked off so much that I haven't posted anything since April.  And here I had planned to be good about writing through this pregnancy!!  Today I am officially 33 weeks and 7 weeks from my due date - at times it seem like things have gone so fast, yet others not so much.   I've had a great time of holding out finding out the sex of the baby.  I don't know if its because I know there will be no more after this little one or if its because we already have one of each.  Either way I'm so excited to have the "surprise" in the delivery room ... although I do strongly feel like its a boy and wonder if I'll have some disappointment in not fully being surprised, if that makes sense.

I've always heard people who come from large families (id, more than 2 kids lol) say how they get jiped.  Not as many pictures of them around, stuff like that.  Well this poor kiddo is already suffering from this.  By this point with my other two I was totally ready.  Things were washed.  Carseat installed.  The works.  I've made myself buy a few things I know we need but I've yet to organize or WASH anything.  Why do I feel like poor Big Sister is going to get a big bag of laundry to do when I head to the hospital!!!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Helping One Person

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've read inspiration posts or articles where the write says "if I helped one person, then I've accomplished my mission".  Well today I felt like that when I posted this link on my FB page:  Judging Women Using IVF.  Before I was married and TTC I had no clue what was truly involved if you were having problems.  I had a friend, 11 years ago who struggled to have her second (her first there were no problems).   We were young and didn't know any better and said all the cliché things "don't try to hard" "it will happen when you least expect it" - all of the things I know now not to say.  You're trying to help but the reality is, it doesn't. 

Another friend was TTC the same time we were with Little Man, BEFORE we started with the RE.  I may not have said the same phrases but I still didn't know exactly how to help.  I cringe at the thought of what I did say.  Thankfully my BFF KNOWS I really did mean well.

I've been very open about our struggles in part because while we were TTC both times I craved someone to talk to who had been through the similar feelings I was having.  No one knows what its like unless you've been there.

Currently I have one friend who I would love to reach out to, but I don't know if its known that I'm aware there may be problems.

Back to my "aha" moment.  A friend who I haven't really spoken with in years reached out to me today after my above post.  They just had their first failed IVF and my heart breaks for them.  I truly wanted to reach through FB and hug her.  I wanted to call her and tell her all the things I so desperately wanted my friends to tell me - but lets admit it, since we haven't truly talked in years that would be stalker-ish ahahahaha.  I responded the best way I could, offered some advice and will keep them in my prayers.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Enjoy the Small Things

I follow Kelle Hampton's Blog with the same title as this post.  Today for some reason I've been feeling melancholy and wasn't sure why.  Still not exactly sure to be honest.  Could be pregnancy hormones, could be the weather, could be my first holiday without mom near me.  Yes she is still physically her but MY mom who I could talk to at any time and carry on a real conversation with is gone.  Alzheimer's is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

So through the bleh, through the sadness I'm trying to appreciate all that I do have.  I have an amazing family.  An amazing husband, who even though I kept saying "no its ok, you don't have to come to the office to visit with the kids", ignored me and showed up.  My heart skipped a beat as my Little Man ran through the building lobby to get to me.

Tonight I will say "eff it" to the laundry and cleaning the house.  We will order in dinner, color easter eggs, and then cuddle up on the couch watching some easter shows.  I need to enjoy my 2 littles before the 3rd make its appearance.

My 3rd little is something that even though the bean is making me sick as a dog, I am so beyond blessed and grateful for.  Its a dream come true.  And despite the puking, I'm trying to cherish every minute of my 9 months selfishly alone with it.

Happy and Blessed Easter to all.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Baby 3 - 8w5d

Had our first official ob appointment yesterday and everything went well!  They did a dating u/s which showed I'm 8w4d and we got to see our little bean - who is just as cute as can be and has a healthy heartbeat of 173.

Since I'm an "old" lady I get to qualify for a whole boat load of tests, but will only do the non-invasive ones.  In two weeks I go for a new Harmony Test- amazing how things can change in just such a short time!   Then two weeks after that I have my next monthly ob visit (yikes) and immediately after will have a Nuchal scan

I'm looking forward to the plan old "pee, weight, pressure" exams although I do love getting to see the Bean grow.

Still having a hard time believing we are actually doing this again!  Hasn't truly sunk in.

How far along? 8 week
Total weight gain/loss: 7 lbs (ugh)
Maternity clothes? Jeans, but that's about it.  Work clothes still fit, although not as well by the end of the day.

Stretch marks? Not yet.
Sleep: Not great.  .The last few nights have been better but for a while there I was up alot.

Best moment this week: the u/s!
Miss Anything? Diet coke

Movement: Too early.
Food cravings: nothing in particular

Anything making you queasy or sick: m/s has totally kicked in.   today wasn't bad as i did a pre-empt with munching on lorna dunes.

Have you started to show yet: Not yet. 
Gender: Team Green!
Labor Signs: Better not!
Belly Button in or out? In for now.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy.

Looking forward to:  Showing :)

Baby 3 - 5 weeks

Well I'll be past 5 weeks by the time I actually publish this post :)  But I wanted to start updating for myself.

Honestly, this is a moment I didn't think would every actually happen.  After having Little Man our original plan was to TTC relatively quick but he was more high maintenance than we had anticipated so it was put off.  Then when we started to think about it we were overrun with toys in our little 2 bedroom apartment and he was still sharing our room.  At that time we weren't financially ready to buy a house or move to a larger apartment so #3 was put on the back burner and eventually taken out of the equation.

Late last year we were able to make a move and save money as well.  Once we were settled the talk of #3 came up and if we were going to do it, it would have to be soon.

Phone calls were made to find a new RE (reproductive endocrinologist) as our old one no longer took our new insurance.  A new dr was found and we were on our way.

3 cycles passed with no luck.  If you've dealt with infertility you know how depressing it is to get that NOT PREGNANT each month.

January rolled around.  The dr upped my dose of Folistim, which I'll admit scared me a bit.  During one of our last ultra sounds before the IUI we were told my body reacted TOO well.  Seems I had 5 mature follicles growing - 3 that were very mature which meant the possibility of triplets.

NOW this is where I got pissed with the dr - first of all I wasn't impressed with this guy.  See I was so beyond spoiled with our last RE - he was AMAZING.  Saw him every appointment.  He picked up the phone and called me after our first loss.  No one could compare.  The new dr was obviously there for the first consult but I literally did not see him until we had the u/s to confirm pregnancy.  Everything in-between was done by their interns.  Back to the cycle ... he had his intern call me to voice the concern about the number.  Apparently the dr had decided he was God and said that if I would not consider reduction if it were 3+ then he would not go forward with the cycle.  The number of babies I carry are up to ME and God.  Not a doctor who THINKS he is God.  This is where I *crossed my fingers* and said - sure we would consider reduction.  Mind you, there is a big difference between 'we will consider' and 'we will reduce'

My pregnancy with Little Man started out as twins - even as we went for the CVS test to check on Baby B, we knew we would leave the decision in Gods hands if all was not well.  As expected, he took the decision out of our hands and brought our Baby B home to be with him.

We proceeded with our IUI and on February 2nd got this ...

2/4 - first blood test to confirm - positive!  Beta 106.
2/6 - Beta 183
2/9 - Beta 657

Finally given the ok to schedule an u/s for the end of the week *YIPPEE*  we were so excited - but cautiously so given our history.

It was still early to see a heartbeat (only 4 weeks) but everything looked good so we are letting ourselves get a little excited.

Unlike last time around, I'm so hungry I could eat anything in site.  Except chocolate.  No desire for the stuff which is unusual.  Last time I had to force myself to eat, which wasn't TOO bad because I didn't gain a lot, and that's what the dr wanted.  Now I'm scared to look at the scales - I'm going to be a whale by the time October rolls around!

How far along? 5 week

Total weight gain/loss: too scared to look
Maternity clothes? Not yet, but depending on the day (or time of day) sometimes things are snug.

Stretch marks? Not yet.
Sleep: Not bad.  Except I wake up at 3am when K does and can't go back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Letting myself believe a little more.
Miss Anything? Diet coke

Movement: Too early.
Food cravings: Anything.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Little Man had a stomach but so we had a few close calls of cleaning up TWO sets of puke.

Have you started to show yet: Not yet.
Gender: Team Green!
Labor Signs: Better not!
Belly Button in or out? In for now.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Varies.

Looking forward to:  Showing :)

Friday, December 19, 2014

Night One

Guilt is setting in - not sure if I can do this.  I know its all in my head.  I can and will pull myself together but my heart was breaking last night.

Anyone who knows me or my family will know that we are chatty - hell my mother would always talk to people standing in line near her when I was growing up and it used to mortify me.  Now I do the same in return to my daughter!  To sit next to her and have her quiet kills me.

Any caregiver will tell you that you will always second guess yourself - and officially a month into this and I can't count how many times I've done it.  Its a full time job and I wonder how I'm going to pull it off with a FULL TIME job, two kids and a husband.

We saw a second nursing home yesterday, one that also has a day program and I felt like God was leading me to an answer.  I was desperate and K suggested looking up the home he used to work in (doing security at night to pay for our wedding) - two clicks and the adult program was staring me in the face.  A possible answer to my prayers.

After leaving the home we picked mom up and brought her to our house - she was quiet all evening.  Went to bed, got up.  Went to bed, off to the bathroom.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Sat on the couch and told me maybe this wasn't a good idea and she should sleep at home from now own :(  Her knitting does seem to be a life saver and helps alleviate the anxiety.  I don't want to see her doped up but I think that the doctor needs to give her more anti-anxiety meds, especially if we do end up moving her to our home.

It sounds cruel to say, but since things are progressing so fast I almost hope she'd qualify for the nursing home sooner rather than later.  Anything I've read has said keep to routine, keep to the familiar.  Could moving her to our home only to go to a nursing home be harder? Unfortunately there is no way to know - there goes that second guessing again.

I'd like to say maybe tonight will be better, but I know not to get my hopes up.  I'm reading Staying Afloat in a Sea of Forgetfulness.  The author was his father's caretaker and talked about how he had to become such a light sleeper because dad would wonder.  Last night I had a glimpse of that world ....

Thursday, December 18, 2014


In spite of all the craziness in life, the craziness of the holidays, I need to take a minute to recognize how truly bless I am, and we are, as a family.

This blog was started to chronicle TTC our first child together.  H was a surprise in a previous relationship - but the best surprise one could ever ask for.  I know we were blessed in that it did not take AS long as it has taken some others, but that didn't make each negative pregnancy test any easier.

Little Man was born and we were overjoyed.  Thing is, he was supposed to have a twin so that first Christmas was so hard.  It was amazing to see him watch the lights and all but my heart continuously looked around for that other baby.  Our "B".  Each year has gotten a little easier but the ache is still there.

But I know I'm lucky and blessed - I get to shop for and watch two children enjoy opening presents on Christmas morning.  Not every woman gets that.  Too many have empty arms and hearts that are just waiting to be filled with the joy that only a child can bring. 

So this Christmas when you see a couple without children be extra nice to them and never assume they have chosen to be childless.

For more information check out this blog: